by KATIE HUT-CHIN-SON, CHRIS TERCERO, and MIRIAM SANDERS
Staff Writer and Tip Writers
Nowadays, everyone has this burning need to be cool. If you aren’t cool, you are warm, which means you are hot, except you aren’t attractive. Let me tell you this. When you are hot, you have problems, and then you start singing like a tone deaf, conceited teenager in a limo. Being cool is very difficult, but you don’t need to worry because here are a few tips to follow to be a cool kid.
1. Carry a fan at all times. If you want to be cool, you can never be warm. Therefore, you always need a fan with you in those terrible times you are feeling warm. If you have a fan with you, you can say, “Look, I have fans.” and people won’t know you actually mean an electric fan instead of people who like you.
2. Wear sunglasses at all times, even indoors. To be cool, you must always wear sunglasses wherever you are. If you are seen without your sunglasses, then you will be seen as not cool. Sunglasses make everything look cooler. You can also creep on people more and laugh on the inside because they aren’t wearing sunglasses, so they aren’t cool. No matter how bright or dark it is outside, wearing sunglasses always will make your outfit that much cooler.
3. Wear a bikini everywhere you go. If you wear skimpy clothing, you will freeze your booty off, especially if it is cold outside. This is good because then you will be cool. If you are a guy, you can just wear a speedo at all times to maximize your coolness. You may get a few weird looks, but that’s only jealousy from random bystanders.
4. Move to the North Pole. Moving to the North Pole is probably the easiest tip on this list because it guarantees you 100% coolness. If you are in the North Pole, you will be cool, especially when you are wearing a bikini and carrying a fan with you at all times. The North Pole is a great place, and you will feel so cool being there. Santa also happens to live in the North Pole, so you will be very cool when you help all the children of the entire world get presents and have smiles on their faces.
5. Always drink ice water. You can’t only look cool, but you also have to be cool. To do so, you have to drink ice water all the time. It will make your body cool, making you the coolest kid around. Chew on the ice when you are finished with your water so that your mouth will feel extra cold.
6. Keep shouting “ICE ICE BABY” for no apparent reason. It’s pretty obvious that ICE ICE BABY is a pretty cool saying. If you shout it everywhere, I guarantee you will feel and sound cooler already. Even if there is no reason to shout, do it anyways. The louder, the better. Say your sentences very quietly and then shout “ICE ICE BABY” in every conversation. People will know you are the coolest person alive if you do that.
7. Bust out a high school musical moment every 10 minutes. Singing is what all the cool people are doing these days so to ensure everyone knows you have a singing talent you have to burst out into song whenever possible. Lets say you failed a math test, to ensure you are going to be cool you have to burst out into song and sing about why you failed the math test.
8. Dye your hair white, like Jack Frost. Also, over gel it. Some people think that white hair is a sign of old age. I disagree entirely. White hair is the color for cool people. You want to make sure you dye your hair REALLY white. Dye the ends blue and also over gel the ends so it looks as if you have icicles on the end of your hair. You will look so much cooler than you did before.
9. Chew ice mint gum. Mint gum is amazing as is, but when it makes you cooler, the gum is just more amazing. Icy mint gum makes your mouth feel colder, especially when you drink cold water. Chomp the gum as loudly as possible to advertise to people that you are very cool and amazing.
10. Never turn on your heater. During the winter time people are so tempted to turn on their heater and stay warm, but to ensure that you will stay cool, turn off the heater. Now I know what you are thinking, “Why would I want to be cool in the winter time?” Well the answer is very simple, in order to stay up to date with all the cool kids you have to take it a step further and actually be cool. Plus, you will be wearing a bikini at all times, so your giblets will already be frozen. Now you are up to date on the cool trends. Obviously, we are being sarcastic about these tips. These tips, however, will make you colder. Everything about these tips will make you cooler, but not socially. You will just be cooler in temperature. Please, do not wear your bikini or speedo everywhere, though. You might get hypothermia. Stay cool, Miners.